Growing up in church, I was often on the receiving end of
being judged by others. I’d like to think things are different now
compared to what they where when I was a teenager. However, in my adult life,
it has been no different. I have grown
accustomed to being judged by others. but it doesn’t have the same affect on me
as an adult that it had on me as a teenager because I have changed the way I
respond to judgment. Lately though, I
have noticed other’s who are the judger’s and those who are on the receiving
end. I found that judgment in the church
is still very present but the church is not the only place judgment takes
place. It takes place on our jobs, in
our relationships and even with our children.
I have come to believe it is a part of the every day life of most
humans. One has to be very diligent and
mindful to abstain from the temptation of judging others.
Judgment, is defined as “an opinion or a conclusion.” For purposes of this column, I think judgment
is best defined as one who comes to a conclusion about another. So what does that mean exactly? Conclusion means the end of a thing, so when
we come to a conclusion about someone, based on how they look, what they wear,
what they say or what mistakes they have made, we are summing up their whole
existence by what we are judging them on.
It is sort of like stereo typing people but worse and that is
unfortunate. Let me give you an example
of what I am talking about. I grew up in
a church that believed women should not wear make-up or cut their hair. As a young girl, I wanted to be pretty and I
didn’t feel pretty so I would cut my hair in an effort to make myself more
attractive and I would dabble in make-up, just enough that maybe no one would
notice I was wearing any. As a result of
these actions and others, I was judged as a “sinner” and worse, someone that
“didn’t love God enough to obey the rules.” If you are a sinner then that meant you where
not going to heaven. This had a profound
effect on my life for many years because my heart did love the lord and my
intention was not disobedience, my heart was looking for acceptance and that
need led to my actions. The thing is, judgment is saying, “I am right
and you are wrong. I am better then you
because I don’t do what you do.” It
places superiority on the person making the judgment while placing fault on the
person being judge. In this way, it is
different from stereotyping.
Stereotyping can be negative, and when it is, it stems from fear. Stereotyping can also be positive in that
sometimes we seek to understand a person’s culture, beliefs or actions by way
of observing their overall look. Does
that make sense?
I chose to write about this topic because I believe there is
something we can learn from this subject.
Judgment requires assumption.
When judgment is present, we assume the person knew better and chose to
“do it anyway” or we assume “he/she thinks he/she is so smart” or “the Bible
say’s that and you are wrong!” All those assumptions are predicated on the
person having a bad motive. But I have
found that for the most part, people try to do the best they can. Their motive is coming from a pure and honest
place. That doesn’t mean that mistakes
don’t happen but it does mean they where not done in malice. What if, people just don’t know any better in
their heart? What if people are broken
and hurting and they try to do the right thing but their own insecurities and
fear get in the way? Should those people
be judged or should those people be helped by those of us who have walked in
their shoes?
There is a tenent in the recovery programs that says “Take
what you want and leave the rest.” I had learned that saying when I went
through Alanon many years ago, and it was an extremely valuable tool for my self-help
tool belt. It taught me that I may not
agree with everything being said in the walls of an Alanon meeting, but I could
take the things that applied to my life or circumstances and leave behind that
which did not apply. This approach
prevented judgment in that it allowed for each person to find their own path
with the understanding that we are all on different paths but seeking the same
result. When I went back to church after
many years of not going, I found this same principle applied there as
well. Over the years, I have traveled a
lot and been to many churches to hear many preachers. I do not agree with everything preachers say,
but I accept them for who they are and where they are on their journey and I do
not take offense when a preacher says something that I disagree with. I think to myself, either I have more to
learn or he has more to learn, but I try really hard to accept them where they
are without judgment. How many times have we formed an opinion about
someone else, only to find out that once we get to know them, they are nothing
like what we thought they would be?
The point I am trying to make is, what if instead of
assuming the worst about a person in any given situation, we can say to
ourselves, maybe they just haven’t learned what I have learned yet, and God
bless them as they continue their pursuit! Isn’t that approach more
compassionate and empathetic? Doesn’t it leave room for change. As Christians, we must first always remember
that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves and for those who do not
subscribe to a religious based belief, isn’t kindness toward one another a
better way to live? Judgment is not based in love, but it is based in
pride. I think we all forget from time
to time what it took for each of us to become the people we are today. We all struggle, we all make mistakes, we all
have regrets so lets try to remember where we came from and show kindness to
those who are still struggling. As we go
about this holiday season and let us practice the golden rule “Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you.”
