The Space Between

It is December 26, 2016, the day after Christmas.  Most businesses are closed and I suspect many people are doing what I am doing, getting their house in order after the holiday.  As I was rummaging through the many papers on my desk, I came across some notes I wrote for a Bible Study I had taught at church.  The subject matter was “Believing God Can & Trusting God Will.”  As I picked up my notes and began reviewing their content, I thought to myself, YES!!  I believe this 100%, STILL…

I have been accused of over-sharing in my blogs.  My parents especially worry that I give too much personal information through my writing.  Perhaps I do, but I wonder, what good are lessons if I cannot share them to offer hope and encouragement to others?  So alas, I will share my innermost thoughts with you, my readers, whomever you may be.

I titled this blog “The Space Between” because I am living in the space between believing God can and trusting that God will.  This space is heartbreaking, scary and empty.  With that said, I have no doubt that regardless of the current circumstances or the outcome, I know I am going to be ok.  However, knowing that I am going to be ok and hoping for an outcome that I had dreamed of are completely different things.  The entire topic of “Believing God can and trusting that God will” references a specific thing and begs the questions,  “Believing God can what?”  “Trusting God will do what?”  The answer is, grant you your request.  That is what it means.  We pray for something specific and we either believe or doubt whether or not God will grant us our request.

For the past two years, I have been praying for a specific outcome to a prayer request.  Over the two-year period, I had many reasons and signs along the way to indicate God was working the situation out the way I had hoped and believed he would.  I had many moments over the two years where I thought things where changing for the good, only to learn that the change was temporary at best.  I thought many times during the two years whether or not God was waiting on me or I was waiting on him.  I didn’t know.  The reason I didn’t know is because I serve a God who can do the impossible and so I just believed he would do the impossible in my situation and waited for the change to come.  I thought that by giving up on the situation was giving up on my faith in God to work it all out; but over and over I felt the lord whisper to me, “can you trust me to let it go?” I thought I could trust him to let go of my hope for this situation but I found that in doing that, it devastated me.

Letting go is very tricky.  In my case, the situation I was praying about and hoping for was my marriage of eight years.  For the past two years we have lived apart.  Living separate in a marriage was hard enough for me to deal with but after two years of working on things and seeing some changes here and there, I was hopeful.  I wanted to honor my vows and of course I loved my husband.  I whole-heartedly believe marriage is God’s will and this belief also kept me hopeful for the two years of separation.  But as 2016 began coming to a close, I wondered more and more if perhaps God was waiting on me to fully let go of all my hopes and dreams about my marriage and trust him blindly with a new future.  The thought of this was extremely hard and full of emotions I didn’t want to feel and certainly didn’t want to accept.  But, it was even harder for me to remain in a marriage while being separated for two years without any sign of reconciling our separate households.  That thought was harder to swallow than blindly trusting God with my future. 

So, here I am.  In between what I am leaving behind and not knowing what I am moving toward.  The decision to end my marriage has been an incredibly sad one.  How do you leave the person you love?  There is no easy way to do that.  No matter how I think about it, leaving was not a choice I ever wanted to make.  I am empty beyond a point I can explain.  I am sad beyond an ability to articulate. I am starting over at 50 and although I have started over many times in my life, this time is scary for me.  I don’t feel like I have the strength, but I know God is with me and his strength is made perfect in my weakness and trust me when I say, I feel very weak.  I cannot see what is in front of me and I cannot imagine how my life will change in the months ahead.  But I do know who holds my future and if there is one thing that I know in my heart is that God DOES work everything out for my good.  My past reminds me that through every hardship I have ever faced, God always made something beautiful from it.  That is what I hold onto in these moments of uncertainty and sadness.

I am writing this blog today because this space I am in, this “space in between” is the space where people give up on God.  This is the space where people loose their faith.  This is the space where people relapse.  This is the space where people die, either a physical death or a spiritual death and both are permanent.  They die because they really don’t believe God can and God will. 

The space in between is really a matter of Love.  It is a discerner of motive and belief.  What do you do when faced with a let down?  What do you do when God doesn’t answer the way you hoped he would?  What do you do when you have no direction?  What do you do when you pray and God is silent?  LOVE is the only thing that will keep you from taking matters into your own hands during this space in life.  It is not just our love for God that will keep us, but it is KNOWING that God loves us that keeps us.  For me, the one thing that keeps me going in spite of all the uncertainty is knowing, not believing, but knowing that God loves me and IF this situation is happening, contrary to my desire and hopes, then there is a reason and that reason will work for my good because GOD LOVES ME!  He is always on my side.  He always has my best interest at heart.  He is always faithful.  He loves me.  He loves me and I will be ok because he loves me.  My husband will be ok because he loves him.

I have no idea what a day will bring but I know who holds my future.  Today I am grateful to find the words to pen this blog. I haven’t been able to write for several months but today I was able.  I hope that in some small way what I have had to say has helped you.  May you find your strength and hope in HIM.  He loves you ! He is love.   Don’t give up on God and don’t give up on yourself.  You are made in his image.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  He knows who you are and what you need.  He is just a whisper away.  Call his name.  He will meet you where you are…

What We Have In Common With Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Sunday morning as the pastor took the stage; he greeted the congregation and asked if everyone would join him in singing, “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.”  Of course everyone laughed then promptly joined him in singing the well-known Christmas song.  After the song was over, my pastor began to go through the words of the song and remind all of us about a misfit reindeer who was an outcast because he had been born with a ruby red nose that lit up very bright.  We all know the story ends with Santa asking Rudolph to lead the reindeer as he guided Santa’s sleigh.   How many times have I heard that song and forgotten it’s very simple message.  As I listened to the sermon, I was reminded of my own life and how God has turned one of my weaknesses into a strength.

I have always had a love affair with the law.  I began working for attorneys when I was 18 years old and had moonlighted in firms off and on for many years since.  In 2001, I interviewed for a legal secretary position at a prestigious law firm in the Fresno Fig Garden Financial District.  At the time, I had been working at Costco for 10 years and was looking for a second job.  I desperately wanted this job and it took two weeks to hear back from the firm.  When I did hear back the managing partner told me that he only had a full-time position available and they wanted to hire me for the job.  I was honored to have been chosen but it would mean giving up the one job I had always kept.  After much thought and consideration, I decided to resign my position at Costco after over 10 years of employment.  It was very scary to let go of such a secure job but I was moving into the future I wanted for myself or so I thought.  After less than six months, I was fired from that job because I had made spelling errors in letters I had sent out to clients.   I used the wrong words for words that sounded the same but had different meanings.  For example, I would use there instead of their or principle instead of principal.   I was devastated, ashamed and very embarrassed that I had made such mistakes.  I had never graduated from high school so the simple English that I should have known was lost on me.

I have never forgot that incident and mostly because I am no longer the girl who doesn’t know how to spell.   I not only know the correct words to use in sentences, I have become a writer and my columns have been published in magazines, newspapers including a nationally published Sports & Fitness Magazine.  I do not say that to be brag, I say that to show how something that was once a weakness can later be made into a strength. 

I have met so many adults who have such low self-esteem because of some perceived flaw.  I have met even more kids who say “I just don’t fit in.”  The feeling of insignificance and inadequacy is so prevalent in kids today it really breaks my heart.   I know how that feels and I also know that over time,  if they keep seeking,  they will find the place they fit, I did.  Life can be hard and cruel and especially for children and teenagers.

If you are reading this, I would like you to do me a simple little favor.  Please take a moment and comment in the section below with a personal strength that use to be something you considered a weakness.  I think the comments might help someone else realize that there are no flaws, there are only strengths waiting to surface.

Dealing with Judgment

Growing up in church, I was often on the receiving end of being judged by others.   I’d like to think things are different now compared to what they where when I was a teenager. However, in my adult life, it has been no different.  I have grown accustomed to being judged by others. but it doesn’t have the same affect on me as an adult that it had on me as a teenager because I have changed the way I respond to judgment.  Lately though, I have noticed other’s who are the judger’s and those who are on the receiving end.  I found that judgment in the church is still very present but the church is not the only place judgment takes place.  It takes place on our jobs, in our relationships and even with our children.  I have come to believe it is a part of the every day life of most humans.  One has to be very diligent and mindful to abstain from the temptation of judging others. 

Judgment, is defined as “an opinion or a conclusion.”  For purposes of this column, I think judgment is best defined as one who comes to a conclusion about another.  So what does that mean exactly?  Conclusion means the end of a thing, so when we come to a conclusion about someone, based on how they look, what they wear, what they say or what mistakes they have made, we are summing up their whole existence by what we are judging them on.  It is sort of like stereo typing people but worse and that is unfortunate.  Let me give you an example of what I am talking about.  I grew up in a church that believed women should not wear make-up or cut their hair.  As a young girl, I wanted to be pretty and I didn’t feel pretty so I would cut my hair in an effort to make myself more attractive and I would dabble in make-up, just enough that maybe no one would notice I was wearing any.  As a result of these actions and others, I was judged as a “sinner” and worse, someone that “didn’t love God enough to obey the rules.”  If you are a sinner then that meant you where not going to heaven.  This had a profound effect on my life for many years because my heart did love the lord and my intention was not disobedience, my heart was looking for acceptance and that need led to my actions.    The thing is, judgment is saying, “I am right and you are wrong.  I am better then you because I don’t do what you do.”  It places superiority on the person making the judgment while placing fault on the person being judge.  In this way, it is different from stereotyping.  Stereotyping can be negative, and when it is, it stems from fear.  Stereotyping can also be positive in that sometimes we seek to understand a person’s culture, beliefs or actions by way of observing their overall look.  Does that make sense?

I chose to write about this topic because I believe there is something we can learn from this subject.  Judgment requires assumption.  When judgment is present, we assume the person knew better and chose to “do it anyway” or we assume “he/she thinks he/she is so smart” or “the Bible say’s that and  you are wrong!”  All those assumptions are predicated on the person having a bad motive.  But I have found that for the most part, people try to do the best they can.  Their motive is coming from a pure and honest place.  That doesn’t mean that mistakes don’t happen but it does mean they where not done in malice.  What if, people just don’t know any better in their heart?  What if people are broken and hurting and they try to do the right thing but their own insecurities and fear get in the way?  Should those people be judged or should those people be helped by those of us who have walked in their shoes?

There is a tenent in the recovery programs that says “Take what you want and leave the rest.” I had learned that saying when I went through Alanon many years ago, and it was an extremely valuable tool for my self-help tool belt.  It taught me that I may not agree with everything being said in the walls of an Alanon meeting, but I could take the things that applied to my life or circumstances and leave behind that which did not apply.  This approach prevented judgment in that it allowed for each person to find their own path with the understanding that we are all on different paths but seeking the same result.  When I went back to church after many years of not going, I found this same principle applied there as well.  Over the years, I have traveled a lot and been to many churches to hear many preachers.  I do not agree with everything preachers say, but I accept them for who they are and where they are on their journey and I do not take offense when a preacher says something that I disagree with.  I think to myself, either I have more to learn or he has more to learn, but I try really hard to accept them where they are without judgment.   How many times have we formed an opinion about someone else, only to find out that once we get to know them, they are nothing like what we thought they would be?

The point I am trying to make is, what if instead of assuming the worst about a person in any given situation, we can say to ourselves, maybe they just haven’t learned what I have learned yet, and God bless them as they continue their pursuit! Isn’t that approach more compassionate and empathetic? Doesn’t it leave room for change.  As Christians, we must first always remember that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves and for those who do not subscribe to a religious based belief, isn’t kindness toward one another a better way to live? Judgment is not based in love, but it is based in pride.  I think we all forget from time to time what it took for each of us to become the people we are today.  We all struggle, we all make mistakes, we all have regrets so lets try to remember where we came from and show kindness to those who are still struggling.  As we go about this holiday season and let us practice the golden rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Eternity~ The fate that awaits us all

It began in the spring of 2012.  As my husband and I crawled into bed, shared conversation about the day and grab our books that we where each reading, the quiet torment of death played through the thoughts of my mind.  Night after night and day after day these thoughts persisted.   Incredibly afraid to put voice to my thoughts and fears, I didn’t tell my husband and tried to pretend they didn’t exist. I prayed about it, I asked God to remove the fear from me and I rationalized through all the reasons why this prevailing thought was absurd.  After several months, I learned how to ignore the fear and fall sleep. In early 2014, I began to think about writing my obituary.  When this thought of writing my obituary came to me, I found it peculiar and wondered why I was suddenly thinking about such a morbid task.  I didn’t feel fear as I had in 2012, what I began to feel was a bit of acceptance.  I did not write my obituary, I let the moment pass and wondered again where this thought was coming from. 

Tonight, as I sit at home and write this column, I can say with a strange kind of peace and acceptance that I am in fact, dying.

When these intuitions on mine began to present themselves in 2012, I was completing my undergraduate degree in Psychology and getting ready to start graduate school.  Graduation has come and gone and I am now working in my field as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, which means I can practice therapy under a licensed clinician while accumulating the hours needed to become a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist or LMFT for short.  After receiving my registration number with the Board of Behavioral Sciences, I was so anxious to begin working!  I applied for many jobs without much luck. One day, a LMFT acquaintance that I had met recommended that I look into the hospice field and do some of my licensure hours in grief counseling.   I had a visceral reaction to that idea.  I have been loosing friends and loved ones to death since I was in the 7^th grade and dealing with death on a daily basis in my professional life was the last thing I wanted to do.  So I continued to apply and interview for jobs but having no luck.  Then in an abrupt and unexpected moment, my father-in-law was discharged from Stanford Medical Center after a routine visit that led to a hospital stay, and admitted to Gentiva Hospice.   I didn’t know the first thing about hospice or how it worked, all I knew was that those are the people that get called when a person is sick and the doctors can no longer help.    My father-in-law passed away just 6 hours after arriving home from the hospital.  A few weeks after we laid him to rest, I reconsidered the idea of grief counseling and applied for a position with Gentiva Hospice.  The fact that I was working in a field that deals with death on a daily basis was not lost on me and given my own intuition over the past few years I found myself asking God what it was he was trying to tell me.   What was even more worrisome to me was that I had been feeling a very strong pull to get involved with the Suicide Prevention Task Force.  I have had an interest in that organization for many years.  I have lost two friends and several acquaintances to suicide.  When I made the call to become a volunteer, I was told the organization needed the most help for the LOSS team.  LOSS is an acronym that stands for Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors and the LOSS team volunteers respond to the scene with the coroner’s office in the event that a suicide occurs.   Without hesitation I joined the team, coming to terms that there must be a reason I have been called into this particular area of work.  As they say in the recovery world, “acceptance is the key” and I was certainly finding that to be true for me.

            

I am several months into my work now and have worked with many patients and families as they receive the dreaded news of a terminal illness and experience the transition of life and loosing a loved one.  It is often a very sad and also a very rewarding experience.

           

I live with the belief that “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and he delights in his way” (Psalms 37:23).  In the book of Job, the bible also says “For HIS eyes are on the ways of man and he sees all his steps” (Job 34:21) so I continued to pondered and wonder out loud to God why he has me working around death.  One thing that I am aware of on a conscious level daily is how certain death is and how in the face of death, the cares of daily life don’t seem to hold that much importance.  I am grateful for this awareness.

Tonight as I reflect, the puzzle pieces I have been collecting since 2012 are beginning to fit together in picture form I can see what it is meant to reveal.  I am dying and I have a keen awareness of the time I have left, or the lack there of.  I cannot shake this awareness and I am becoming more and more at peace with it every day.  It is a blessing actually.  Knowing I am dying allows me to live more intentional than ever before.  It has enlarged my capacity to love, to forgive and to show kindness (although I struggle with this when driving).  I am 100% the epitome of human failure.  My ability to expression those virtues have been left many scars on those I have loved throughout my life and I have made many mistakes that I cannot undo, but…my capacity for love, forgiveness and kindness is enlarging with this new-found knowledge and for that, I am grateful.  However, the thing that I have noticed the most since coming to terms with my inevitable demise is the unexplainable realization of how insignificant I am in the presence of the Almighty God.  Words cannot convey the power and majesty of God as I feel him in this space of my life.  I think perhaps only the people facing death have any kind of glimpse of this reverent and holy God for the certainty of eternity is more present than ever.   Perhaps the best illustration I could use to describe how I feel is about the enormity of God is the one found in Job beginning at Chapter 38 when God himself spoke to Job out of a whirlwind.  I have found myself reading and re-reading that passage and others in the bible over the past few months.

           

Doctors cannot give the terminally ill patients an exact date of their death, nor do I have a date for my own, one thing is sure, death is a certain outcome and I have come to see it as a blessing.  I have a limited amount of time on this earth and I don’t know how much time I have.  Knowing this inspires me to live on purpose with purpose.  I need to share my life with others and tell as many people as I can about the love of God, his goodness and his kindness.  I want to scream from the mountaintop that any other message about God is a lie! God is not cruel, he isn’t responsible for the atrocities of this world- there is an opposing power to God’s love for humanity and that opposing power is evil.   Whatever time I have left on this earth, I want to spend it helping people understand that eternity is real.  Our souls will live in eternity after our body dies.  I consider it a gift to know my time is limited and I pray I never forget that.  I heard someone say just the other day that we are all just one breath away from eternity I know it sounds cliché but what if you knew you where dying?  What would you do different?  Who would you forgive?  Who would you love more?  How would you spend your time?  Would you keep silent on issues you wished you had spoken up about?  Would you pursue the desires in your heart that you have repressed?  Truth is still truth whether we believe it or not!  The Bible is the inspired word of God and one day we will all stand before our maker and give an account of our life.  I know this is a hard subject to face, but my prayer is that after reading this article, you will take a few moments to slow down, consider how you spend your time and if you are inclined, ask God to help you understand his purpose for your life.  You where created for a reason, don’t you want to fulfill your purpose?