Early on, when I first began to date my husband, he was
cutting wood at his house when the chainsaw caught the wood just right and
propelled a large sliver of wood into his leg.
Although it hurt, he pulled the piece of wood out of his skin and went
on about his business. A couple of days
later, his leg began to swell and it was visibly noticeable that something was wrong. So I said to him “ you should really go see a
doctor and get that checked out.” He
turned to me and said “Did you just “should” me?”
At first, I didn’t know what he meant, but I quickly figured
it out. I was telling him what to do by
using the word should and he was bringing that fact to my attention. Even though I was acting out of care and
concern, he was the one who was being affected by the infection and he is the
one who was responsible to make the decision about what needed to be done.
That moment taught me a lot about how quickly we project our
ideas, beliefs and expectations onto others, often without realizing it. In the situation with my husband, I was
worried because I saw the potential danger of what could happen if his leg went
untreated and while that observation was valid, I had absolutely no control
over what decision he might chose to make.
The problem with “should” is that it sets us up for
resentment and judgment of others. Using
the word “should” is giving unsolicited advice and when the person does not
listen to our advice, we pass some form of judgment which later turns into
resentment. While some people may not
mind such advice, others deeply resent it.
Especially if your “should” is in opposition to what they think or want
and when the person that you are “shoulding” rejects your advice, judgment and
resentment most often follow.
One of the hardest things in life to do is to realize that
the only power any of us have is over ourselves. Everyone was given free will which means they
have a right to make their own decisions and learn their own lessons, even when
those lessons have unfavorable consequences.
At the end of this life, I will answer for myself alone. I will answer for how I lived. I can only control what my eyes see, what my
hands do, what my mouth says.
Relationships of any kind, can easily become entangled and
enmeshed especially marital and
parent/child relationships. Most of us women,
tend to think we know what is best in certain situations and men feel the exact
same way! I would say that most
arguments within a relationship occur out of a difference of opinion. The
word opinion is defined as “1. A belief
or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce certainty. 2. A
personal view attitude or appraisal.”
We argue and fight with the people we love the most to defend our own
opinion or “shoulds,” but what we are really saying is that my way is the
correct way or my way is better than your way.
I admit, it isn’t always easy to keep my mouth shut when I
disagree with my husband or child (my children are grown and this only applies
to adult relationships), and I often fail.
But I am much more aware of my actions these days and I consciously choose
to love anyway. As a wife and a mother,
my role is to support and nurture my family, to be a safe place for them to
vent frustrations and explore ideas and give them the space they need to grow
into the person they are meant to be.
Love, in the purest sense of the word is self-sacrificing
and giving. It prefers the other person
to ones self. What would happen if we
stopped “shoulding” others? What would
happen if we only offered advice when someone asked for our opinion? What would happen if we agreed to disagree
without judgment or resentment? Do we love others enough to allow them to make
their own choices and learn their own lessons?
It might take some practice, but I encourage you to give it
a try and see if life becomes a little more peaceful and harmonious.
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