Kathy Looper Christian Counseling

Kathy Looper Christian Counseling

Saturday, July 23, 2011


     For several years, I have worked in a male dominated industry.  I have spent many hours listening to men voice their complaints about their girlfriends or wives.  I have also been asked many questions from these same men about women and sex.  Some like it, some do not, and most of them stop performing after marriage! In this blog I will share a couple questions I have been asked by women and my response to those questions.  Men also want to know the answers to these questions, and hopefully this will show each of the sexes the opposite’s perspective. I think many people share the same thoughts and feelings but once someone enters a relationship, communication about such sensitive issues is strained. 

    For any woman who is married, has been married or planning to get married, SEX is an issue that is sure to be a huge one in your relationship.  Often times, the issues revolving around sex almost always have a negative effect on any relationship, many of which include affairs, pornography, alcohol or drug abuse, neglect and divorce.  It is my hope that the questions asked and the answers help shine a light on your situation and open up the lines of communication.  Sex in a relationship is VERY VERY important.  So let’s talk about it.

Q1:  I am a mother of two.  I am home during the day with the kids while my husband works.  When he comes home from work, I leave to go to work and do not get home until 3 am.  I HAVE NO TIME FOR SEX.  Once a week is even too much with my busy schedule.  My husband and I are in counseling right now because his sexual needs are not being met and I am tired of him hounding me all the time.  When I do have extra time, I want to sleep, not have sex!  What is it with men?  Don’t they get it?

A:  Well, if I may say, I think it is us women who don’t get it.  Since the majority of homes are two income households, schedules can be difficult at best and in your situation completely opposite.  However, if a woman is too busy or too tired to connect sexually with her husband, then something should change.  A man’s #1 need is to mate with his wife.  It is not just about sex.  It is about the nature in which God made a man.  He made them to need a woman.  God said in Genesis that “it was not good for a man to be alone” so he created woman as a helpmate for a man.  THEY NEED US !  If you have effort to be available for his sexual needs for at least two weeks and see if things don’t change between the two of you !  My guess is when he gets what he needs then you will get what you want!

Q2:   My husband and I have sex a couple times a week.   seems to be satisfied with that.  However, I am not satisfied with the sex.  I feel like I am merely an object for him to use and when he is finished, I feel even more objectified.  I am starving to feel like a woman.  I want to be touched and cherished and wanted, not just as a body but as a woman.  My husband seems to get mad at me when I tell him how I feel. 
A.  You are not alone! Many and I do mean many, women feel this way but, there is hope.  As much as it pains me to say this, you are going to have to go first and teach him what you want by giving him what you desire.  If you want to be kissed passionately, then cuddle up next to him and start kissing him first.  If you want him to massage you then roll him on his stomach and begin to massage him first.  Get my drift?  Most men do not know what women need from them.  Furthermore, they have very little practice with tenderness.  As a man, they were taught to be macho, strong, and smart.  They were NOT taught to be affectionate, caring, kind, gentle and intimate.  Unless they had a loving mother who taught them these things, chances are they flat out do not know “HOW” to give you what you want and need.  Think about that for a minute and see if I am right.  It is time for us women to go first and teach our men how to treat us in bed.  If you will try it, I promise that you will have a happier marriage and when his needs are met, your needs will be met also.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What Every Guy is Looking for in a Girl - Part 1

            I know what your thinking...  What makes me such an expert on guys?  What is so special about me that I should deign to know what a guy is looking for when it comes to choosing a woman to have a relationship with?
            Aside from my many romps (I use this word loosely) with the opposite sex and the countless hours I have listened to men complain about what they are not getting at home, the source of my information is as old as the document it was written on.         
            The answer is very simple but it really takes wisdom to understand it.  God made man first.  In Genesis 2:18 “God said it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.”  After this, God formed every beast of the field and fowl of the air and brought them to Adam, but none of these satisfied Adam’s need for a help meet (mate). Genesis 2:22 “God took a rib from Adam and made woman and brought her to the man.  And Adam said “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman because she was taken out of Man.”  God did NOT create a woman to need a man.  It is the exact opposite.
            This set of scriptures is perhaps some of the most important for women to understand.  Society has changed the way girls and guys get together.  Men no longer chase the girls, but rather the girls chase the guys.  THIS IS THE FIRST MISTAKE!  Guys cannot live without a girl, period.  That is just the way it is.  They were created to NEED a girl.  Every human is born of woman.  It is impossible to give birth without the female.  So if you think about it, every man has been born from a woman and they are dependent on a woman from the beginning of their life cycle.
            If a girl can get this in her mind, men were born to need us, then we would walk a little taller knowing that it is only a matter of time before the guy who is meant for you finds you, and believe me, he will find you.
            Let’s go back to the Bible.  Every great man in the Bible fell into sin or death because of a woman.  This is a huge revelation.  The ramifications of that are enormous.   The whole world knows that Adam sinned in the Garden of Eden because his wife, Eve, who God gave him.  Eve enticed Adam to eat of the tree of Knowledge of good and evil.  But let’s look at the other great men in the Bible.
            Abraham listened to his wife Sarah and slept with his bondwoman, Hagar, instead of waiting on God’s promise.  As a result of his listening to his wife instead of listening to God, Ishmael was born.  Ishmael’s birth is the sole reason the nation of Israel is still fighting wars with all the other Arab countries.  Those countries claim the same birthright of Abraham, but Ishmael is NOT the promise seed of Abraham, Isaac is because he came through Sarah. (Full story found in Genesis 17 & Getnesis 20-22)
            Sampson, who was the strongest man in the Bible was in love with Delilah.  Her only reason for “dating” Sampson was to find out where the source of his strength came from.  Sampson knew she didn’t love him, but he loved her, so he kept going back to her even after she harmed him and had him arrested numerous times.  The end of the story is that Delilah finally learned the source of Sampson’s strength, his hair, and she cut it all off while he was a sleep.  He died as a result of his relationship with Delilah. (Full story found in Judges 13-16)
            David, the greatest king of the Bible and “a man after God’s own heart” murdered the husband of a woman he fell in love with because he had gotten her pregnant.  This story is such an amazing story of human vulnerability, God’s judgment and God’s everlasting grace.  David was anointed King over all of Israel in 1Samuel 16.  He marries Saul’s daughter Michal, but his heart was not with Michal.  One day as he was bathing on the roof of the palace he spies Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11) and the Bible says he desired to have her.  She is another man’s wife but he wants her so he takes her to bed, gets her pregnant and because she becomes pregnant, he has her husband killed.
            The stories do not end there.  Like I said, many great men in the bible fell to sin because of a WOMAN.  It is critical for woman/girls to know the power and effect you have over men.  This is not to be used carelessly.  But it is meant to illustrate a point, God made men to need women.  It is not the other way around.
            So what am I trying to say?  What is my point?  My point is realize your value.  Don’t settle.  Be confident in who you are.  You are worthy of love, but if you don’t believe it, a guy sure isn’t going to believe it.  Guys want a confident woman.  They want you to be sure of yourself.  They WANT TO PURSUE YOU!!!  Most girls are so needy of a boyfriend that they do all the pursuing.  That goes against everything in a man.  They are hunters.  They provide.  They protect.  They are the stronger sex.  GIRLS…let the men be men.  Stop chasing them.  Stop trying to prove you are smarter.  Stop trying to be so strong.  Men want be superman, they want to feel needed. They want to be your everything, but they don’t want you to be needy.
            Do you know what you want in a guy?  Do you know what qualities he has to have before you will date him?  Will you date a guy who smokes?  Will you date a guy who drinks?  Will you date a guy who has been known to cheat on his wife or girlfriend?  Will you date a guy who lives with his parents?  Will you date a guy who doesn’t have a job?  Will you date a guy that has been known to hit girls? Will you date a guy who is “talking to someone else” at the same time?  Does he go to church?  Does he have any values?
            If you don’t know what you want in a guy, you will date any guy who looks half way decent and pays attention to you.  Believe me when I say this, guys know if a girl is desperate or not and no self respecting guy will want a girlfriend, much less a wife if she will settle for anyone.  Guys want to be “the one” that is more special than any other guy and they want to feel “lucky” to have you.
            It starts with you !  Make a list of what you want in a man.  Look at it every time someone asks you out, and if he does not have the attributes on your list, then politely decline his offer for a date and WAIT for the next guy.
            This is VERY attractive and men will respect you for it.  Remember, it’s MEN who need Women, not the other way around.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


            A few months ago, I was lying in bed with my husband, reading a book.  All of a sudden, I had this powerful sensation and feeling that I was going to die.  It was the most uncanny feeling.  It was and invasive thought that told me I was going to die.  The amazing thing about it, was that I had peace.  I was not afraid but I laid there and cried silently aware that of my mortality.
            For many months following, this night, every night as I crawled into bed to read, that feeling that I was going to die was always present.  It became a constant thought that would invade every area of my mind.  At first, I was afraid to talk about it with anyone.  I didn’t want it to be real.  I thought that if I kept it to myself, it would go away.  However, I also thought that if this was God letting me know my time was short, that I should at least talk about it with my family and husband.  
            I did finally discuss it with my husband and he blew it off and said, I wasn’t going to die.  Of course, this was not the response I would have liked to have had from him but what could I do?  My dad, on the other hand, was much more empathetic but he too felt like everything would be ok.
            My condition began to escalate.  I was extremely troubled in my spirit.  I was not only feeling like I was going to die at any moment, but I also began to feel like God was punishing me and that I this fate was because I have not been a productive servant.  I also felt that I had royally screwed up and lost my salvation.
            For those of you who have never experienced anything like this, my story might sound trivial and of little consequence.  However, for those of you who can relate to what I am describing, it is an overwhelming state of uneasiness, to the point I feared I might lose my mind.
            The BIBLE says in John 10:10 that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.  This is a bible verse I have read and heard so many times over the years.  It was a concept I understood from an intellectual perspective.  I have to say that I did not fully understand the power and devices of my enemy.  This experience has taught me just how cleaver and destructive the enemy of our soul is.  I didn’t fully understand until I had this experience.
            What I learned after a lot of prayer and counseling with some spiritual mentors, is that the devil planted a thought in my mind.  It all began with a thought.  It was a seed that I watered and fed, therefore it grew until it became a huge problem.  I gave it a home in my mind and I thought on it and tried to understand it.  This was my downfall.  I should have known not to give place for something that brought me torment.  But remember, I said when the thought first entered, I had felt peace.  That is why I didn’t recognize it for what it was.  The devil is very cleaver.
            I was advised to ignore these intrusive thoughts.  That is difficult to do but I just started to say out loud, Devil, you are a liar.  The Bible says in Rev. 12:10 the devil is an accuser of the breathern accusing them before God day and night.  He is constantly lying to us and trying to get us to believe that we are failing, sinning, missing our destiny or otherwise strayed away from God and our purpose.
            Phil 4:8 says “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
            That was exactly what I have had to do.  ARREST the thoughts that are contrary to what God says.  He is for us, not against us.  He is always working for our good.  His love for us is more than we can comprehend; I think that is why we do not understand it.  Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”
            Romans 8:38-39 “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
            We must be aware of our adversary.  He is real and he is able to weave a deceiving web of lies and if we are not careful, we may believe them.  BUT GOD is greater than any lie or thought or trouble that seeks to destroy our faith and hope. 
            God is a present help in time of trouble! Thank you Jesus for your word!

Kathy Looper, MA MFTi

Kathy Looper, MA MFTi
Marriage & Family Therapist