It is December 26, 2016, the day after Christmas. Most businesses are closed and I suspect many people are doing what I am doing, getting their house in order after the holiday. As I was rummaging through the many papers on my desk, I came across some notes I wrote for a Bible Study I had taught at church. The subject matter was “Believing God Can & Trusting God Will.” As I picked up my notes and began reviewing their content, I thought to myself, YES!! I believe this 100%, STILL…
I have been accused of over-sharing in my blogs. My parents especially worry that I give too much personal information through my writing. Perhaps I do, but I wonder, what good are lessons if I cannot share them to offer hope and encouragement to others? So alas, I will share my innermost thoughts with you, my readers, whomever you may be.
I titled this blog “The Space Between” because I am living in the space between believing God can and trusting that God will. This space is heartbreaking, scary and empty. With that said, I have no doubt that regardless of the current circumstances or the outcome, I know I am going to be ok. However, knowing that I am going to be ok and hoping for an outcome that I had dreamed of are completely different things. The entire topic of “Believing God can and trusting that God will” references a specific thing and begs the questions, “Believing God can what?” “Trusting God will do what?” The answer is, grant you your request. That is what it means. We pray for something specific and we either believe or doubt whether or not God will grant us our request.
For the past two years, I have been praying for a specific outcome to a prayer request. Over the two-year period, I had many reasons and signs along the way to indicate God was working the situation out the way I had hoped and believed he would. I had many moments over the two years where I thought things where changing for the good, only to learn that the change was temporary at best. I thought many times during the two years whether or not God was waiting on me or I was waiting on him. I didn’t know. The reason I didn’t know is because I serve a God who can do the impossible and so I just believed he would do the impossible in my situation and waited for the change to come. I thought that by giving up on the situation was giving up on my faith in God to work it all out; but over and over I felt the lord whisper to me, “can you trust me to let it go?” I thought I could trust him to let go of my hope for this situation but I found that in doing that, it devastated me.
Letting go is very tricky. In my case, the situation I was praying about and hoping for was my marriage of eight years. For the past two years we have lived apart. Living separate in a marriage was hard enough for me to deal with but after two years of working on things and seeing some changes here and there, I was hopeful. I wanted to honor my vows and of course I loved my husband. I whole-heartedly believe marriage is God’s will and this belief also kept me hopeful for the two years of separation. But as 2016 began coming to a close, I wondered more and more if perhaps God was waiting on me to fully let go of all my hopes and dreams about my marriage and trust him blindly with a new future. The thought of this was extremely hard and full of emotions I didn’t want to feel and certainly didn’t want to accept. But, it was even harder for me to remain in a marriage while being separated for two years without any sign of reconciling our separate households. That thought was harder to swallow than blindly trusting God with my future.
So, here I am. In between what I am leaving behind and not knowing what I am moving toward. The decision to end my marriage has been an incredibly sad one. How do you leave the person you love? There is no easy way to do that. No matter how I think about it, leaving was not a choice I ever wanted to make. I am empty beyond a point I can explain. I am sad beyond an ability to articulate. I am starting over at 50 and although I have started over many times in my life, this time is scary for me. I don’t feel like I have the strength, but I know God is with me and his strength is made perfect in my weakness and trust me when I say, I feel very weak. I cannot see what is in front of me and I cannot imagine how my life will change in the months ahead. But I do know who holds my future and if there is one thing that I know in my heart is that God DOES work everything out for my good. My past reminds me that through every hardship I have ever faced, God always made something beautiful from it. That is what I hold onto in these moments of uncertainty and sadness.
I am writing this blog today because this space I am in, this “space in between” is the space where people give up on God. This is the space where people loose their faith. This is the space where people relapse. This is the space where people die, either a physical death or a spiritual death and both are permanent. They die because they really don’t believe God can and God will.
The space in between is really a matter of Love. It is a discerner of motive and belief. What do you do when faced with a let down? What do you do when God doesn’t answer the way you hoped he would? What do you do when you have no direction? What do you do when you pray and God is silent? LOVE is the only thing that will keep you from taking matters into your own hands during this space in life. It is not just our love for God that will keep us, but it is KNOWING that God loves us that keeps us. For me, the one thing that keeps me going in spite of all the uncertainty is knowing, not believing, but knowing that God loves me and IF this situation is happening, contrary to my desire and hopes, then there is a reason and that reason will work for my good because GOD LOVES ME! He is always on my side. He always has my best interest at heart. He is always faithful. He loves me. He loves me and I will be ok because he loves me. My husband will be ok because he loves him.
I have no idea what a day will bring but I know who holds my future. Today I am grateful to find the words to pen this blog. I haven’t been able to write for several months but today I was able. I hope that in some small way what I have had to say has helped you. May you find your strength and hope in HIM. He loves you ! He is love. Don’t give up on God and don’t give up on yourself. You are made in his image. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. He knows who you are and what you need. He is just a whisper away. Call his name. He will meet you where you are…