“I am going to hell and I am ok with that…….”

This was the statement I heard my client say to me the other day and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

My life for many years has been in the fitness and nutrition industry.  I have been a columnist for the Tulare Voice and other publications writing about nutrition and fitness.  I love to teach what I know about both subjects and in my everyday life, I still make a living as a nutritionist.  However, I have also finished my Master’s and have been gathering my hours to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  I am also a Licensed Christian Minister.  I currently work as a therapist intern in a female felony parolee residential treatment facility.  I love the time I spend with the girls in this program.   That may sound strange, but each and every one of the girls I work with has a story that is sad, shocking and courageous all at the same time.

It has surprised me that I could love working with this population with compassion instead of judgment because I come from a very pro law enforcement background.  Two of my uncles are retired California Highway Patrol Officers. One uncle is a retired Captain and one is a retired Sargent.  Many of my friends are police officers and I myself came very close to becoming a police officer many years ago.   While in graduate school, I struggled with my classmates because of my staunch position of people taking responsibility for their actions.  I haven’t been one who wanted to hear reasons or excuses for bad behavior, especially when I didn’t get to use excuses myself when I made a mistake.  I was especially predisposed to judgment when it came to matters of addiction.  I had a zero tolerance rule and that had much to do with my own experiences in life with loved ones and addiction issues.  So, working with female felony offenders is not something I ever thought I could do because I was always on the other side of the fence.  But, somewhere along the line, God really changed my heart.  Today, I care very deeply for the girls that I see as therapy clients because I see them as people, I see who they are behind the mask of self protection that they wear.

Just the other day, one of the women came to see me for her weekly appointment.  It was her second therapy session with me.  In her initial session, she stated she wanted help for her anger issues.  She felt angry all the time and she didn’t know why.  So when she came back this week, I asked her about how she was doing with the anger issues and to my surprise, she said that she felt much better and hasn’t felt angry since seeing me the week before.  That was great news for me and it allowed us to do some deeper work in that session.  Often, the subject of God comes up therapy sessions because some form of faith is at the core of all of us.  I can say all of us confidently because the Bible teaches us that God placed a need inside us all to know him.  Regardless of what people do with that void, it is still there, begging the question “what do I believe about God.”

On this day, my client said to me “I know this is off subject but can I ask you a question?”  I said of course and she asked me a very direct question about what I believed about her lifestyle and if I thought she was going to hell.  If you are like me, you are probably reading this thinking, holy moly, how are you going to bow out of that gracefully… I was thinking, oh God, please help me have the right words to give this girl that will show her your love.  I won’t go into the details of that conversation right now, but she did make the bold statement of “I am going to hell and I am ok with that….I don’t want to go to hell, I want to live right, but I know what the Bible teaches about my lifestyle.” 

As I was driving home late that evening I couldn’t stop thinking about how many times I have heard people make that statement and sing about it in music, totally unaware and in complete utter ignorance of what hell is going to be like.  I can’t even tell you what hell is going to be like but my experience with God tells me that if GOD can blow my mind with the kindness and love he has shown to me, and if the rolling thunder and lightning can cause me to be frightened when I hear it at night, how much more terrible is hell going to be?  The place that God has reserved for those who do not love him and follow him?  The closest thing I can think of as a comparison is an erupting volcano, which we have seen in the news recently.  Can you imagine being thrown into a volcano and not dying but having to suffer the pain of the burning?  I cannot.  Worse that that, I cannot imagine being separated from God for all of eternity never again able to feel his sweet spirit.  

I am not writing this article to incite fear.  I am writing this because I am coming to terms with my own complacency.  I try very hard to live the Christian life of loving God and loving people but the truth is, loving people is hard work and requires time and energy which most of us are in short supply of.

My heart is heavy because I see how easy it is to take care of my own needs instead of the needs of others.  I watch day after day as close personal friends post on Facebook about their daughter being diagnosed with a brain tumor, our friend, Joel who recently passed away too young from an illness, and a former co-worker of mine who at age 37 was diagnosed with cancer and undergoes blood transfusions every week.  There seems to be so many friends and acquaintances with major illnesses that I can’t remember to pray for all of them, and the truth is, I go about my life and forget about their suffering, I forget to pray for them.  I finally started making a list of the people I needed to remember in prayer but I know I am not getting everyone on that list and there are many days that I still forget.

I have become increasingly aware of two things:  1.  If it requires too much work, people will not bother.  I see this play out in marriages, parent-child relationships and numerous other instances.  People in general rather not bother with the struggle of conflict if it can at all be avoided.   2.  Life has become overly busy and any free time a person has to themselves is spent on their phone texting or using social media.  There is not time to stop and be still and be present in the moment.  We are complacent. 

So what is the solution?  For me, my unintentional solution has been waking up in the middle of the night to pray or write and focus on ways to love people and whenever possible, tell them about Jesus.  I don’t know what your solution is.  What I do know is that we all have a purpose to fulfill in this life on earth and I desire with all my being to fulfill the purpose God created me for.  I want people to know HIM and I want people to experience his goodness.  I want our community to get back to a place where talking about God is NOT politically incorrect and binding together in unity for the common good of others is what we are focused on.  I know it takes work.  I know it takes effort and I know it takes resources but I hope with all my heart that we have not become too complacent that we aren’t willing to slow down and spend our time on the things that are going to matter in eternity.  God said, If you love me, keep my commandments.  Love the Lord God with all thy heart, and love they neighbor as thyself.”    

If this resonates with you, please take some time and evaluate the area’s you might be complacent in your life.  What can you do to become engaged again?  

Don't give up when hope is deferred

When I was 28 years old, or somewhere in that age range, I ran across a scripture in the Bible that read “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12).

Up unto this point in time, I had made many wrong decisions that had major consequences for my life and future.  One of which was losing custody of my son because I chose to move out of Shasta County and return to Visalia.  If you are a parent, you might understand the enormity of this decision and many might even question “how could you ever leave your child?”  The answer is that I instinctively knew that if I did not make a change in my life, I would cease to exist.  Within 6 months of moving back to Visalia where my entire family lived, three of my friends where killed, all in accidents involving alcohol.  I have no doubt I would have been one of them had I not listened to my instinct that I was in danger.

I had been raised in a stable home, with two parents who taught my sister and I right from wrong.  We attended church my entire childhood and I knew what it felt like to have a relationship with the lord.  Yet, I flunked out of high school and had two DUI’s buy my 21st birthday.  I was like so many others, just looking for the place I belonged.  I had major insecurity issues and a real need to fit in and be accepted.  It was this very deep seeded need that dictated the decisions I made and the regret and sorrow that followed.

You may be wondering why I am sharing this or why should you care about my story when many people reading this article don’t even know me.  The reason why I am sharing this and why my story matters is because 8 out of 10 people have made mistakes that they regret and are living with the consequences of those decisions.  My story is not about me and how well I have turned out (by my standards) but my story is about how “all things work together for the good” and if you live long enough, you can look back at events in your life that appeared to be very bad but somehow turned out alright.

Today, as I write this article, my son is celebrating his 25th birthday and I am very much a part of his life.  He is his momma’s son through and through.  Also, I am writing as Marriage & Family Therapist, Trainee who recently graduated with my Master’s degree.  My life today is polar opposite from the girl I use to be.  If any of you reading this article could talk to my parents, they would tell you, they had no hope for me.  Even as believers, trusting in a God they prayed to, had no hope, because the circumstances of my life where bleak.  How many of you know someone that you have lost hope in?  Wondering what will become of them and if you will receive the dreaded phone call in the middle of the night?

Let me remind you of the scripture that I quoted at the beginning of this article.  “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”  What the Bible is saying here is that hope is not lost, it is simply deferred, which means it took a detour, but all detours eventually lead to the original destination.  I’d like to encourage you and tell you not to give up on the thing you are hoping for.   Whether it is hope for someone else or hope for yourself, nothing is impossible.  Life is not easy, even when you do all the right things.  The truly great people, the truly strong people and the truly courageous people have one thing in common…they never gave up, they persevered and they did whatever was necessary to overcome the struggle.  Like I said, it isn’t easy, but it is possible.

What is it that you have given up on?  Yourself?  Your physique?  Your relationship?  Your child?  Your friend?  GOD?  I promise you, if you make a commitment to yourself to  hope again, you won’t be disappointed.  Pay attention to the details that follow and you will see God’s hand at work on your behalf.

The Trouble with "SHOULD"

Early on, when I first began to date my husband, he was cutting wood at his house when the chainsaw caught the wood just right and propelled a large sliver of wood into his leg.   Although it hurt, he pulled the piece of wood out of his skin and went on about his business.  A couple of days later, his leg began to swell and it was visibly noticeable that something was wrong.  So I said to him “ you should really go see a doctor and get that checked out.”  He turned to me and said “Did you just “should” me?”

At first, I didn’t know what he meant, but I quickly figured it out.  I was telling him what to do by using the word should and he was bringing that fact to my attention.   Even though I was acting out of care and concern, he was the one who was being affected by the infection and he is the one who was responsible to make the decision about what needed to be done.

That moment taught me a lot about how quickly we project our ideas, beliefs and expectations onto others, often without realizing it.  In the situation with my husband, I was worried because I saw the potential danger of what could happen if his leg went untreated and while that observation was valid, I had absolutely no control over what decision he might chose to make.

The problem with “should” is that it sets us up for resentment and judgment of others.  Using the word “should” is giving unsolicited advice and when the person does not listen to our advice, we pass some form of judgment which later turns into resentment.  While some people may not mind such advice, others deeply resent it.  Especially if your “should” is in opposition to what they think or want and when the person that you are “shoulding” rejects your advice, judgment and resentment most often follow. 

One of the hardest things in life to do is to realize that the only power any of us have is over ourselves.   Everyone was given free will which means they have a right to make their own decisions and learn their own lessons, even when those lessons have unfavorable consequences.   At the end of this life, I will answer for myself alone.  I will answer for how I lived.  I can only control what my eyes see, what my hands do, what my mouth says.

Relationships of any kind, can easily become entangled and enmeshed especially marital  and parent/child relationships.  Most of us women, tend to think we know what is best in certain situations and men feel the exact same way!  I would say that most arguments within a relationship occur out of a difference of opinion.   The word opinion is defined as “1.  A belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce certainty.  2.  A personal view attitude or appraisal.”   We argue and fight with the people we love the most to defend our own opinion or “shoulds,” but what we are really saying is that my way is the correct way or my way is better than your way.

I admit, it isn’t always easy to keep my mouth shut when I disagree with my husband or child (my children are grown and this only applies to adult relationships), and I often fail.  But I am much more aware of my actions these days and I consciously choose to love anyway.  As a wife and a mother, my role is to support and nurture my family, to be a safe place for them to vent frustrations and explore ideas and give them the space they need to grow into the person they are meant to be.   

Love, in the purest sense of the word is self-sacrificing and giving.  It prefers the other person to ones self.   What would happen if we stopped “shoulding” others?  What would happen if we only offered advice when someone asked for our opinion?  What would happen if we agreed to disagree without judgment or resentment? Do we love others enough to allow them to make their own choices and learn their own lessons?

It might take some practice, but I encourage you to give it a try and see if life becomes a little more peaceful and harmonious.

Dying

I have been feeling the need to write for several months now, but have just not made the time to do so.  This need is so strong, I feel guilty with every passing day that I procrastinate.  I keep telling the lord, “as soon as I am finished with school I will set some time aside to write.”  So, here I am. I finished my semester and have 8 weeks of so now it is time to get busy writing.

I’d like to share a thought with you.  The thought is about dying.  Dying to self, surrendering to Christ.  I know that the Bible teaches us to take up our cross and die daily, but that is not what I am talking about.  Let me explain.

A few years ago, after several failed attempts throughout my life, I finally 100% surrendered to God.  I died my own grievous and painful death to self.  The reason I mentioned several failed attempts is because I couldn’t ever get past one thing.  My hang-up, the thing that tripped me up time and time again, was men.  More specifically, it was loneliness and the need to be loved.  This need was so strong and ran so deep through my soul, that as much as I loved God and wanted to live for him, I always compromised, thinking that I needed to be something different for the “right guy” to love me.  All the other guys I had picked over the years never did.

After the last breakup, something changed in me.  I decided I was going to live God’s way, regardless of what that meant.  I was single, I had my own business and no one would have probably guessed how lonely and heartbroken I really was.

Greif is something that cannot be explained.  It can only be lived.  Grief is something that one feels when someone they love has died.  It is gut wrenching.  Grief is something that takes a very long time to heal and the sorrow you feel lasts for months and months, in my case it lasted three years.  There were days I had to find a place where I could be alone and cry several times, just to make it through the day.

Have you ever saw the movie “Passion of the Christ?”  If not, I highly recommend it.  If you did see it, remember the scenes where they were beating Jesus?  Remember watching as he carried his cross up to Golgotha’s hill, often falling under the weight of it?  Remember as he hung on the cross, blood dripping from his head where the crown of thrones was placed?  That is what dying looks like.  It is painful.  It is bloody and it is ugly.  Dying is always met with fear and always, without fail, met with uncertainty.  After all, no one has ever died and come back to tell those of us left living what to expect.  Dying is the final act before crossing over to the other side.

But…dying is not the end of the story.  A resurrected life is the end of the story.  We all know that Jesus rose from the dead and because of this, we have a new life in him.  But that is not what I am talking about either.  Most of us have heard the story of the cross but none of us can totally relate to it because it is the story of Jesus and the story is so much larger that life.  We know that he died so that our sins could be forgiven but do we really understand what that means?  I know I never did, and I grew up in church.  But today the story of the cross holds another meaning for me.  It holds a story that directly affects me today.  In the life I live with my family, with my job, with my money and with my future.  The meaning it holds is the fact that once I died to Christ, once I completely surrendered; I have been living on a whole new level I didn’t know existed.

Jesus only went to the cross once.  You know why?  Because when he went, he gave it all.  He completely died to himself and to the world on that day at Calvary.  We never hear about Jesus having to die more that once.  One death was all it took and God resurrected him. 

I believe the same is true for us.  When you really die to yourself and fully surrender to God, I believe he resurrects you as a new creature in him.  I know that sounds cliché but think about it.  How many times have you struggled with the same thing?  How many times have you tried to change something about yourself, only to find yourself repeating old behaviors?  I believe the reason is because you have not died yet.  You have not given all yet.

Words cannot possible do justice to the changes God has made in my life.  I have the all the things I ever wanted.  You see, resurrection is about blessing, its about new life.  It’s about walking in promise.  It’s about walking in the power and prosperity of God.  It’s not just about a spiritual life its about having blessings here on earth in this life.  When you can die to God, truly gut wrenching grief, sorrow and desperation to do anything God wants you to do, then he lifts you up in resurrection and you begin to live in the blessings he has ordained for you.  The reason is because you know the source of your blessing and you understand that HE is all that matters.  Living for God is the best life I have ever know.  I have had a lot of things in my life and been a lot of places and met a lot of people that others would love to me.  And still, living for God is the best life I have ever known.  But I couldn’t have known it without first dying.

Have you died yet?  You cannot be resurrected until you have died.