Faith That Happiness Will Come Again

It has been a few months since I have been able to sit down with any kind of clarity and pen an article. I have been writing for several years and generally, I can always come up with something to share. If I am not writing about God, personal growth or fitness, almost always I can write about nutrition.

However, over the past few months, I have been at a total loss of any kind of creative thought. Instead, I have been walking through loss, grief, sadness, anger, hurt, uncertainty and fear. As personal as that is, I share it with you because it is a part of life and more importantly, these times of despair are a necessary part of life.

In April of 2013, I wrote a note to myself in the note section of my phone that simply said “What do I want my life to look like?” Over the past two years, I have revisited that question several times and never one time sat down to answer it because I didn’t know the answer, until this morning. This morning, I knew the answer.

Since about the age of 28, maybe a little before that, I have been on a journey to “understand” the reasons why I have certain behaviors and why I made the choices I have made. I have searched out my childhood, my beliefs, my choices in men and my separateness in an effort to understand who I am and what purpose my life holds.

After 20 years of doing that I felt I had a pretty good handle on myself and I believed I knew myself very well. Yet, for two years I was unable to answer this very simple question of what I wanted my life to look like. I guess perhaps it was too big of a question.

Difficulties in life, if we can survive them, bring about positive change. The question is whether or not we can survive the difficulties. Over the last few months, I have suffered loss. Loss of love, the death of a loved one and loss of a job I thought would be the beginning of my second career. All the things I believed to be true became questions of uncertainty. The hope I had for my future is now suddenly ambiguous and the belief that I found the man I would grow old with is now also a fading dream. Sadness has been my perpetual state as I ponder my new reality.

Yet, beneath the sadness, beneath the grief, beneath the uncertainty, there remained a glimmer of faith. Faith that in time everything would be okay, and somehow I will be happy again.

I am choosing to write about this very personal experience because I have lost many friends to suicide. Grief, loss, and hopelessness is perhaps the most difficult thing anyone will ever have to go through in life. These emotions walk you right to the edge of the cliff. Before you even know you are at the edge of a 1000 foot drop that could kill you, you are making the decision to live or die, to hope or to believe all hope is lost.

This is the moment life hangs in the balance. I have been there. Not this time, but in 2006. I know what it is like to get to the edge of the cliff and want to jump. I know why people kill themselves – because in that moment everything comes down to a very simple question, “Do I believe God is real?”

In that moment you cannot feel God, the only thing you feel is despair. It becomes a choice. A choice you make not because of feelings but inspite of feelings. A choice to believe that God is real and if you can believe that God is real, then maybe God might be able to help you.

Grief is a very unpleasant and difficult thing to live through. All the faith in the world doesn’t make the process of healing any easier and faith doesn’t make the process of healing happen any faster. It is a process. It is something we all have to go through day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Faith is simply the hope that WHEN this season is over, I will be happy again and I will be stronger because I survived.

I have no idea how my story ends. I am still living it. But today, I was finally able to answer the question as to what I wanted my life to look like and knowing what I want my life to look like gives me a direction for the decisions I will make as I move through my circumstances.

I’d like to leave you with these verses from my very favorite book, the Bible. 1 Peter 5:6-10 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil is as a roaring lion, walking about seeking whom he may devour: He who resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that you have suffered a while, he will make you perfect, sstablish you, strengthen you and settle you.”

May you all know that God is bigger than any problem you face. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “To everything there is a season. A time for every purpose under heaven.” Your problem is just a season that will eventually pass and when it does, He will give you joy again.

What Separates the Successful from the Unsuccessful?

By the time you read this column, we will be more than half way through January 2015.  I wonder how many of you are still pursuing your New Year’s Resolution goals?  I go to the gym about 5 out of 7 days a week and I can tell you that the gym does not seem nearly as busy as it has been in January’s past.  Maybe, people gave up on making fitness resolutions a long time ago, I don’t know.   Personally, I only set one goal for myself this year.  It is a rather lofty goal but I am going to achieve, I am determined.  My goal is write a book this year.  Since I was 28 years old, I knew that there is a book I am destine to write.  I have started at least 5 books and written a little in each of them but never set out to fully complete one in a systematic, organized manner.  Now, I am going to make sure I follow through and get it done.  However, I am not off to a very good start.  The circumstances of my life have taken center stage over the past few months and occupied my thoughts, time and energy.  Nevertheless, I will persevere.

I recently read a quote from William Buffet that read “What separates successful people from unsuccessful people is that successful people say NO to almost everything.”  I pondered that for a while and I do agree with Mr. Buffet.  However, I don’t believe that is he primary means of separation.  In my opinion, what separates successful people from unsuccessful people is that successful people fill their thoughts and spend their time on positive things in times of disappointment, discouragement and despair.  After the events of the past few weeks, I am convinced more than ever that our outcome is in direct proportion to what we think about on a regular basis.  This is a biblical principle and if you can really absorb what I am saying it will drastically improve your life.

Life is hard.  Being a Christian doesn’t change that fact.  More often than not, being a Christian actually makes life harder because we are always called to do the right thing.  The right thing is often the hardest thing.  As hard as it is sometimes to do the right thing, those of us who follow Jesus and try to please him out of our love for him, understand that there is always a reward in doing the right thing.  Sometimes that reward is peace of mind.  Sometimes it is a financial blessing, sometimes it is a new job or job promotion and sometimes is it being let go from a job.  Discouragement, loss and disappointment come to us all.  The Bible says, “It rains on the just and the unjust.”  That simply means that all of humanity are subject to the same struggles but what people do in the midst of their struggle is what determines the outcome, their character and their integrity or lack thereof.

There are many scriptures that point us to guarding our thoughts.  Here are just a few.  “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” (Prov. 4:23), “Guard what was committed to your trust, avoiding the profane and idle babblings and contradictions of what is falsely called knowledge” (1 Tim 6:20), Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. (Heb 10:23). This principle is the same as the famous quote that is often posted in offices “Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.”  “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not to thine own understanding, in ALL thy ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct your path” (Prov 3:5-6). 

            Over the last several months, I have watched as a few friends have lost their spouse to death, others whose relationships have end and still others who have lost jobs.  I have also watched as people have made a commitment to shed the excess 50-100 lbs. and accomplished what they set out to do.  The process is the same in every situation.  First your faced with loss, then your faced with fear, then your faced with acceptance of what you do not want to accept, then your faced with the long and painful process of transition, which is often the hardest part because it is ongoing and lasting.  The moments of limbo, sadness, defeat, fear, loneliness, anger, disappointment and all the other emotions that accompany such life events are difficult to endure.  The difference between successful people is successful people turn to positive outlets, faith and hope in these times.  They turn to things that bring encouragement.  Sometimes it’s a book, maybe it is a podcast that inspires, maybe its prayer or church.  It could be anything that keeps you moving forward in hope and faith for a brighter tomorrow.  If you are not turning to positive things in moments of despair, you will turn to negative.  Negative conversations, gossip, alcohol, shopping, sex, other people to fill the void.  Unsuccessful people seek to “escape the pain” instead of going through it open and honestly which ultimately brings personal growth.

            The absolute best example I can offer is Cody Hedlund.  Many of us followed her family in the media and on Facebook when her husband Joel, was diagnosed with cancer and passed away last year.  So many people knew Joel because he and his wife Cody co-pastored Crossroads Church and later went on to Pastor Orange Valley Church in Exeter.  When Joel was first diagnosed, I watched as their faith in God never waivered.  Throughout the entire process, they continued to say “God’s got this.”  In the last moments of Joel’s life and since his passing, Cody has shared her grief and sadness publicly on Facebook.  Time and time again, as she shares the loss she and her boys live with and yet she still says “God’s got this.”  Her faith and trust in God does not mean the pain of losing her husband way to early will be non-existent, but she doesn’t focus on the pain.  She focuses on the hope that she has in God and allows herself to be encouraged in things that offer hope.  I don’t know Cody personally, I knew Joel as many people did, but I follow her day after day on Facebook and I watch with quiet gratitude and thanksgiving at the grace in which she is enduring her loss.

            Life isn’t easy.  It is often messy.  We make mistakes that we regret, others have unjustly wronged us when we where helpless children, and some of us have never been exposed to a loving family or a stable home.  However difficult the obstacle may be, YOU are the only person in the world who can change the outcome of your future.  It starts with turning toward faith and hope for a better day ahead and turning away from fear that brings undesirable consequences.  It is a simple, but incredibly difficult, choice.  Doing the right thing in life is often the most difficult choice of all. 

            As you set out about this year, maybe you set some personal goals for yourself or maybe like me, you are in transition.  What will you do when you have a bad day?  What will you do when faced with disappointment?   Can you ride the wave of change until you reach solid ground, or will you drown in the current?  The choice is yours.  Choose well.

**Kathy Looper has a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern.  You can contact her at Kathy@kathylooper.com

The Process of Change SUCKS !!

It has been a couple of weeks since I submitted a column. The reason for my short absence is because I am in the middle of change. December, the month that contains my birthday, anniversary and Christmas, is not a great time to be going through major change, but that is exactly what is happening.

I have spent my life going through adversity and coming out the other side of it better and stronger, so my heart and my mind knows that when change occurs there will always be something good that comes as a result. However, this bit of knowledge does not make the process any easier.

For many days now I have felt at peace with the knowledge that everything will workout for the good. Yet, there is still sadness, uncertainty and emotion mixed up in this process so it occurred to me that maybe I should write about how much change and the transitions it brings suck.

This is not a faith issue, nor is it a fear issue. It is simply an issue of being human and I think that aspect is what is important for this article. I think many people have such a misconception of God and what it means to trust in him. If the expectation is that life will be easy and crappy things won’t happen to you because you believe in God, then I recommend you reexamine your beliefs and figure out why how you came to believe that. (Sorry if that sounds harsh). I say that because I am keenly aware that faith can be fragile for some people. It is important that belief be based on a foundation of Biblical teaching; otherwise, the cruelty of life will cause you to loose your faith, and I would hate to see that happen. Maybe if I explain one of the situations, you will understand what I am trying to convey.

If you have read my column before, then you know that I am a woman of faith. I am very careful to follow in the direction I feel the lord is leading me and I do not make major decisions lightly. I was recently approached by a business owner about a job opportunity that they had been told about. Since I had recently applied for an internship with the Board of Behavioral Sciences, she felt like I was perfect for the job and recommended me for the position. I was honored that she felt like I would be a good fit. The next day, I received an email from the CEO of the company who had the position available and he asked if I could come in and meet him that afternoon. 

To make a long story short, I met with the CEO that day and was hired on the spot. This was very significant for me because I was going through a major change in another area of my life and I felt like this was a blessing that God knew I needed. It came to me completely out of the blue. By the time my fingerprint clearance had come back and I began work, I was immediately promoted to a position that came with a significant pay increase and additional benefits. 

This new development was not only a huge blessing, but I also felt that I was moving into a position to really effect change in the lives of others in a major way. There was no question in my mind that God was blessing me and moving me into the position he wanted me to be in. I was humbled at God’s goodness and kindness towards me. Then, six days into my employment, I was told that this company is an “at-will” employer and they had decided to terminate my employment effective immediately. They offered no explanation.

You can imagine how shocked I was, especially considering my faith about what God was doing in my life. So I had a question to answer. “Was this God’s blessing to me or wasn’t it?"

My answer is that it absolutely was God’s will for me. God doesn’t give something and then take it back. People do that. People have free will to get in God’s way and change the outcome. Yet, there are still blessings in this situation. I absolutely unequivocally know the level to which I am called to perform in business. I will not accept less than what I am worth. That may sound crazy or even arrogant to some, but if I underestimate myself, there is no way I can ever receive all the blessings and promises God really has for me. I was offered CEO of that company. That was the job I was promoted to. All that tells me is what God has in store for me. 

Another blessing is that I received a nice paycheck for 6 days of employment that I would not have received otherwise. I am grateful for that extra money. But don’t get me wrong. I was very bothered by the entire situation and felt very disappointed, sad, concerned about what is coming next and a number of other emotions that go along with an abrupt change in direction. However, I still know there is a purpose and that in time I will understand. Sometimes it takes what it takes and other people are learning lessons in the process. Perhaps, this job wasn’t even about me but about the other people involved in the situation. Perhaps they where their lesson’s to learn and God used me in the situation because he knew I could handle it without my faith wavering. 

Either way, all I am saying is that change, transition, illness, loss, etc. is a part of life. The emotions that come with those situations are just part of being human. When the Bible says “My grace is sufficient” I can testify to the fact that it totally is.   

Even though I have been on a roller-coaster of emotions the past month, I have had perfect peace. I have known in my heart of hearts that everything was going to be ok. I have been able to sleep peacefully at night and pass the days with hopeful expectation. That doesn’t mean I am not sad and wondering what the outcome in my other situation will be like, but it does mean that I am at peace and that is something that cannot be explained, just felt. 

If I can leave you with one thought today, it would be to recognize that although the process of change sucks, really sucks. It is necessary and if you can get through it, it will produce a gift for which you will be grateful. At some point in your future, you will look back on this moment and know that although it was a very tough time in your life, you would do it all over again if it meant you would receive the same benefit.

Hold on….the storm doesn’t last forever. Seasons change, and a better day is just ahead.

DO YOU CARE WHAT POEPLE THINK OF YOU?

            I was having breakfast with my niece a couple of weeks ago and she told me how much her 6-year-old son hates school.  She describes it as being so bad that she has to go to class with him.  Gavin started Kindergarten late because he suffered from an enlarged heart when he was 2.  We almost lost him and if it wasn’t for answered prayers and the fantastic staff at Valley Children’s Hospital, we would have.   Gavin was in a coma for a period of time and during his illness, he had lost oxygen to his brain and had turned blue before paramedics arrived.  We do not know the extent of damage that was done to his brain during this period of time but we have come to understand that he is sensitive to stimulus and he cannot handle to much at once.  However, because he functions as almost a normal kid, the teachers at his school thought he was just acting up and would make an example out of him in class.  As a result of his teachers behavior, Gavin, at 6 years old, quickly realized he was different and now hates to go to class.  The other day he came over to visit with me.  As I was holding him, I asked him how school was that day.  He responded with, “I don’t know” so I asked him, did you have fun at school today? At which he replied, “I don’t want to talk about it.”  This broke my heart.  The reason it broke my heart is because I could relate to how this little guy was feeling.

            I grew up not fitting in and feeling like a spectacle of weirdness more than the girl that I was.  I was raised to wear dresses everyday and although I can look back know and appreciate all the nice dresses I had, at the time, being so different in my appearance drew a lot of unwanted attention and I felt like an outcast.  By the time I was able to make my own decisions, I was doing everything I could to “fit in” and be accepted.   This led me down a rabbit hole that changed the course of my life.

            Needing approval from others is innate in all of us.  I suppose it is because we are all connected in one form or another and our soul, on some subconscious level, understands this.  However, this need to be accepted, to have approval from our peers or our loved ones is often a negative force that creates far more harm than it does good.

            In my own life, I had created a persona that would deflect criticism.  I tried to have the perfect body, the right car, the right clothes, the right amount of money and the right friends.  I worked hard to become the woman I wanted to be.  I thought that if I was successful, then others would admire me instead of criticize me.   Actually, I think it worked to a degree, except I was living behind a mask and had built huge walls to keep people out.  I was a failure at commitment.  I didn’t commit to friends, to men, to homes, to family, I didn’t even commit to what city I was going to live in.  I was a vagabond.  Running from anything that could reject me. 

            I am writing about this because I think many people suffer from caring too much about what others think and my question is, who are these people and why does it matter what they think?

 

I can’t tell you when it happened but somewhere in the last several years, I got free.  I stopped putting other’s opinions about me above my own opinions about myself.  I think I became more concerned about pleasing God than pleasing people, but it was an evolutionary process.  I have spent a lot of time lately listening to Dr. Breńe Brown.  I mentioned her work in my last column.  She has spent her life studying vulnerability.  One of her favorite quotes is from a speech given by Theadore Roosevelt it goes like this:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again. Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat”

I love this so much because it paints a picture of the bloody and messy reality of what overcoming a struggle requires.    It also reveals how unimportant the opinions of the spectator are. If your critics are not in the arena with you, they’re opinion should not matter. Living by this quote isn’t easy and for my 6 year-old nephew, it is impossible because he doesn’t understand.  However,  if you are reading this column then you have the ability to overcome what other’s think of you.  Here is the first step.  Bréne Brown suggests that you do the following.

1             1.  Cut a one-inch square of paper.

               2.  Write the names of people whose opinion you value.

               3.  Place that piece of paper in your wallet.

              4.   Next time you are criticized or judged, pull out the piece of paper and see if that person’s name                     is on the square.

.     

       If it is, then take a look at your part.  If it isn’t, then disregard the criticism.  It doesn’t matter.

I hope this helps someone reading this today.  Life is hard enough without worrying about what everyone thinks of us.  Look around and ask yourself, who is in the arena with you!

STAND UP & FIGHT !

I read an article a while back that disturbed me so much that I saved it in every conceivable place I could think of on my computer.  The article was about a Methodist Minister who became an Atheist after over 30 years of pastoring a church.  What struck me the most about this story was not that this person quit believing, but how they described the process of being a believer to becoming an unbeliever.  They wrote, “It was a very, very gradual process.  There was not one single moment where I can look back and say, ah, that was the moment.  It was kind of a slow progression.”  

Does that bother anyone else besides me?

            After I read that comment, the first thing I thought of was the word “drift.”  I thought about how easy it is to slowly drift away from the things and the people that had our complete attention at some point in time.  It happens all to easily.  All we have to do is look at the number of people who join the gym in January after making a New Year’s resolution to live a healthier lifestyle; or, look at the number of marriages that end in divorce, or the number of people using prescription and illegal drugs and alcohol to cope with depression.  I understand that divorce and depression occur randomly and sometimes for good reason, but the majority could be averted if people got back into the fight and demanded a better life for themselves.  Yes, you read that right, I said demanded.  Who is going to give you the life you want and deserve if you are not willing to fight for it?  Do you think success is just going to be handed to you?  Do you think a strong marriage is what happens because you love each other?  Do you think that depression and oppression is going to magically go away because you wish it to? 

             Anyone who knows me, or who has read my column, knows that my faith in God is the foundation on which my life is built.  I am all about faith and I am all about prayer and trusting God to provide.  However, the Bible says, “faith without works is dead.” (James 2).  James goes on to say that “I will show you my faith by my works” that means that we have a part to play in this relationship God.   The Bible is rich in metaphors of warfare.  It describes the Christian as a Soldier.  It also teaches us to “run the race with endurance that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1).  The word endurance means to keep going no matter what until the race is finished.  To endure means to hold out, or sustain without yielding.”   We cannot quit !!!

            As much as I believe all things work together for the good, I am not naive.  Life is hard.  Marriage is hard.  Not quitting is hard.  Standing up for what is right is hard.  Loosing weight is hard.  Going to the gym is hard.  Making the life you want for yourself is hard, but so what !  We would never know joy if we didn’t know sorrow.  We would appreciate success if we hadn’t first failed.  We wouldn’t know love unless we first had to live without it.  Why are so many people willing to accept the deck of cards they are dealt in life?  Why are so many people living in bodies they can’t stand to look at in the mirror? 

            I am here to tell you that you don’t have to live with less that what you want.  I have seen to many miracles to believe otherwise.   This Saturday, I will be attending a baptism of a girl who was recently released from prison for armed robbery.  She was a gang member and she was a client of mine when she was first released from Prison.  When she left her re-entry program, everyone thought she would fail and return to the life she knew.  But she didn’t.  She got a job.  She started a relationship with God.  She wanted a different life and she is getting a different life.  I cannot wait to watch her get baptized on Saturday.

Change isn’t easy.  You’re going to have to fight.  You’re going to have to endure the temptation to give in.  You’re going to have to let go of your ego in order to see your dreams come true, but it really isn’t that hard once you determine that quitting is not an option.  I have lost everything in my life, including loved ones and my business. It was very difficult to get through it, but I wouldn’t go back and change one thing.  My life is better today than I would have ever thought possible and it is not better because of material possessions.  It is better because I am at peace with who I am.   My marriage isn’t great all the time, but it’s great sometimes.  My income isn’t what I want it to be right now, but it will be soon because I have a goal.  My body isn’t what it used to be, I am 47, but I still go to the gym and I eat right 70% of the time. 

            If you want a better life than the one you have right now, all you have to do is change your mind, that is where it starts.  We are what we eat.  I believe in that 100%.  It is biblical.  What we feed our mind is what we will become.  You may not know where to begin, but I can help you with that.  The point is to just begin and that starts with making a decision to change.  If you need a little more motivation, go to www.youtube.com and search for the audio book, “The Power of Vulnerability” by Breñe Brown or order her book “The Gifts of Imperfection.”  Just begin by feeding your mind something different, something encouraging and then call me.

            Don’t become like the Methodist minister who lost their faith in God after 30 years because she was not paying attention to her life.  Don’t be like so many people who drift slowly away from the life they once hoped to have.  As long as you’re still breathing, it is never to late to be who you want to be.  Just begin.