SEX

There are few women who love sex as much as I do but if you are single please listen to what I am about to say !

Girls:  If you want a guy to like you and then fall in love with you, do NOT have sex with him !!!  

Guys:  If you find a girl attractive and ask her out on a date, do NOT have sex with her!! If she has sex with you right from the start, then 9 times out of 10, you will dump her anyway !!!

Why am I saying all of this?  I am saying this because almost EVERYONE is looking for love and few people are finding it because they go about it backwards.  Do you ever wonder why dating sites such as eHarmony.com and Match.com are successful?  It is because the people who use those dating sites have to fill out an informational sheet about themselves.  Potential mates have to take the time to read that information before they contact them.  More time is taken getting to know each other through dating sites then if you were to meet someone that you barely knew for dinner.  The reason is because physical attraction usually supersedes getting to know who a person is and sex is the driving force to attraction.

For most of you who know me, you will know that I have been physically fit for most of my adult life.  Men have found me to be physically attractive and as I mentioned, I like sex.  However I have been unsuccessful in the majority of my relationships.  It took me years to realize that men where dating the physical person I was without ever understanding the mental and spiritual person I was.  It wasn’t their fault that they didn’t know me very well, it was my fault.  I made it too easy.  They were attracted to me, I was attracted to them and we had sex.  Period.  However, I was always lonely.  The attraction and excitement eventually wears off and then what do you have left?  In my case, very little because men didn’t understand there was more to me then my body.  When they realized I was pretty deep and intense, they left.

There is more to all of us then our physical appearance.  It doesn’t matter if you are attractive or unattractive, there is an emotional, intelligent creature in all of us that desires to be known and understood and loved for who we are.

What you need to look at is whether or not you like who you are as a person.  It is easy to fake it and get physical gratification for momentary happiness.  But if you are looking for a long and lasting relationship, you might want to think twice about how you go about finding it.  It really starts with loving yourself and being willing to wait for the person who wants to know who you are on the inside besides just what you can offer on the outside.

Sex was always supposed to be the icing on the cake.  True, intimate, mind blowing, rock star sex, (you can have intimate, mind blowing, rock star sex) comes only when two people are comfortable with themselves and with each other.

Several years ago, I went through a breakup that changed my life.  I thought the guy I was involved with was my perfect match. We share fitness together, we ate all the same healthy food, we had the same work schedule, we were very compatible.  Throughout the entire course of our relationship (it lasted 6 months) I kept feeling that I needed to just be his friend and not be his lover.  The reason was because he was 8 years younger than I was and he had never experienced many of the things I had already experienced in life.  This meant we wanted different things for our future.  But I was confused because we had this amazing connection and we were very physically compatible.  I couldn’t bring myself to face the truth that we had no future together.  I wanted to believe that we did.  

In the end, I was the one who lost.  I was the one heartbroken and I was the one who lied to  myself because I wanted to believe he loved me when really he didn’t know me very well.  My feelings where hidden from him.  The sex and connection was so good it controlled me.  In the end, the truth about our relationship is what surfaced.  Don’t get me wrong, we had a great friendship and that coupled with great sex made for one of my best experiences ever.  However, our lives where headed in different directions.  He is now married with a beautiful family and I couldn’t be happier for both him and his wife.  But I could have spared myself a lot of pain if I had been willing to face the truth early on in the relationship.

What I am trying to say is, wouldn’t you rather know in the beginning if someone wants to be with the true person you are?  Wouldn’t you rather spare yourself the rejection and humiliation that comes from a break-up?  Eventually, everyone’s true identify surfaces and if you take the time in the beginning to get to know someone without sex confusing reality, you might just find the relationship you where looking for.

My current relationship has been horrendously difficult.  Although we waited for about two months before having sex for the first time, we still struggle with knowing and liking each other.  Sex is still the easiest fix for us.  We have that part down.  The liking each other is what we don’t have.  Maybe, even as a married person, I need to take sex out of the picture and find out if my husband can like me for who I am.  Maybe he will but then again, maybe he won’t.  That is what I need to find out.  Just because we are married doesn’t mean we will stay married right?  People get divorced all the time and we have been close too many times to count.  Which is why I am writing this blog.  I am taking my own advice and going back to square one.  Being true to myself and making sure my spouse is in this relationship because he loves the person I am on the inside and just not the person he see’s on the outside.

What about you? Can you stifle the short term self gratification for the long term result?  I hope you can.  It will be worth it.  God knew this. That is why he wanted us to wait until we were married to have sex.  He knew that commitment is the preferred end result and if we have sex before we have the commitment, chances are a commitment may never come.